I don't like the person I'm playing chess against. This troubles me also because it doesn't fit at all with my idea of how I judge a person as being 'good' or 'bad'. I can find people utterly annoying without considering them 'bad'. In order to really dislike somebody I have to have some suspicion that their motives are 'bad' or that their morality is 'wrong'. This guy... well he doesn't really fit either category, and this is new to me.
He's not a disagreeable looking person. On the contrary he's rather good looking; handsome in a boyish way. He's maybe seven or eight inches shorter than me and rather thinner than I. He dresses well and is always smiling. There is no reason for my subconscious first impression to have skewed my view of him.
We have known each other for approximately three weeks at this stage. In this entire time we have been nothing short of utterly civil to one another. He seems to harbour no dislike towards me at all and for this I feel somewhat guilty, as I'm sure I must appear to think of him as a nice fellow, which I do not. It seems strangely dishonest.
When we first met, he already knew my name. He smiled widely and shook my hand; spoke to me as though we were already well acquainted. He has been polite, helpful, even generous towards me in his daily conduct. Everybody who speaks of him speaks only positively. He's a talented artist and a reasonable chef. He reads a lot and we talk often about a wide variety of books and authors; Wyndham and Burroughs and Marsden. He knows some of the music I listen to - Sonic Youth and Radiohead irk his attention when they come up in a playlist. Its not like we lack common ground. So then what is it that bothers me about this character?
It is something I observe within all of his interactions. An unqualified courtesy to every person he interacts with, regardless of the treatment he receives in return. Even in the face of near total verbal abuse, he seems to be unwilling or unable to do anything even tacitly aggressive, as though the idea of even the slightest interpersonal conflict seems to terrify him. He is, in a way, the ultimate pacifist. And this idea, for better or worse, disgusts me.
His opinions seem to be a median of those of the people closest to him. Nothing he says is objectionable and when he disagrees with somebody nothing is said. He makes no effort to define himself, to have an opinion on anything even slightly touchy; His politics have remained wholly unspoken. A hollow shell, all style and no substance. After this revelation his good nature appears sickly and vile, like the defence mechanism of some kind of animal destined for domestication - not fight or flight, but merely smiling subservience.
He has my queen pinned down, most of my valuable pieces taken. It is my move. A slight mistake at this point in the game could result in my defeat. A defeat I'm sure will be met with a meek smile, a hearty handshake and a declaration of 'good game'. In the name of irrational hatred and passionate discourse, I will not allow this smug bastard to win.
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